There are so many things I need.

Emotional penury.

Being with somebody that much older than I am, different stages of life,

Different precedence.

I’m made to feel guilty (whether that’s intended or not)

and out of place for asking, desiring, needing, fuckit demanding more more more from him out of him expected from him.

The lack of what I‘m used to, what I’m wanting is causing doubts, making me question my actions instead of being able to just let them ebb and flow from my pores onto his skin like I so implore them to.

Just so much doubt from the subtle nuances missing from his actions words affections thoughts.

It sends my stomach twisting churning rotting with questions that simply refuse to let me sleep, of what I’m doing so flawed that no matter how I request, how I direct by example, or the fits I pitch in an effort to yank it out of him, it’s not coming.

At least not in the free, easy, just knows to do it way.

The little bits and pieces I get end up feeling cheapened because of the efforts I have put forth to coax them from his feeling.

I, the baby that raised the entire family am feigning a mature relationship when my desires are apparently middle school infatuation at best.

Are the affections I am discovering I require childish?

Jury is out.

Am I insisting too much?

If you think you have that answer, lay it on me.

Completely paranoid and not realizing that what I’m craving is not healthy?

Sound.

Do I just need more of a life, more friends, more busy work time as to not rely and require this adoration from one soul?

Now that is one I can answer myself.

I’ve reached the age I have,

craving complete and total adoration, admiration, awestruck, intimidated infatuation.

Smother me.

Make me yours.

Take me.

Care of me.

Feed me; show me it’s a real and sustainable goal.

Make me feel you, hard.

Bound by the notion that I care about this outcome an outlandish amount,

certainly it’s hit me

harder deeper meaner sharper breathless-er

than I'll ever admit to you

and than you’ll ever feel from me for me because of me.

So sincerely you would lose your breath when I kissed you.

Watching you as your ventilation pummeled out of your lungs by the sheer weight of my touch, kiss, or breath near yours.

Simply put, it slain me.

Now you survive them, eyes opened, breathe even, a mundane happening.

Butterflies have returned to their pupa state,

others died off lying wingless in the pit of your stomach,

 no longer equip to soar and smash into the walls of your ribcage that used to confine fruitlessly their flight.

And I feel like I’ve failed.

I think I know what I want.

I want to be money enough to afford that apartment with my Jo.

I want to find and maintain the drive to finish school.

I want to be motivated enough to find something I am passionate about, live to breath cannot exist without it kind of passion. That I must find.

I need to be stable enough to train, care for, and love a dog by myself.

I want a little place in the world of my own.

I want my dude, as my little place where I can rest my head.

I need to be self-accepting enough to not sabotage and push away what I love most simply because my lack of care I hold for myself.

I need to understand that my body in its entirety belongs to me and not let others use it against me.

I will continue to better my mental health without the crutch of medication and thrive, fuck you I shall thrive.

I want to find someone who knows there is something in me that is worth it. All.

I will get a handle on myself and learn to throw only my best at those I love, those that genuinely deserve it.

I think one day I will learn that though disaster always follows me in some shape and form I will and do come through laughing and cracking an inappropriate joke.

I want to be bomb enough to rock sleeves and have the wit and personality to still be treated with the utmost respect.

I want someone to show me that it can last, that I do not need to run.

I need to be exposed to true affection.

I want to know what it means to love and work so much that it stays in the realest, most adoring devoted amorous way of life imaginable.

I need to be successful at acknowledging my selfishness and rising up to let it go.

I vow to learn how to use my tongue to retaliate instead of resorting to stuttering and bumbling my way when talked down to and humiliated.

I want to be yours. With you.

You know nothing about me
and the worst part is you don't seem to care to.
The lack of attention beyond forced 'how's your day' and miscellaneous vapid comments regarding the weather are astounding.
If you could be more disinterested in knowing  me, i mean really knowing what is that make me Molly,
I'd surely perish via shock.

A sham?
Let's not kid everybody and pretend we're in a relationship.
That would imply an in-depth knowing of the other person, and
something beyond infrequent meetings, contact, and shallow conversation
followed by kisses that seem to be the only crazy glue suturing up this
makeshift trick we've been working on.

I've said it before and I can not make it any clearer.
I need more or nothing at all.
I don't see things that don't exist.
Rather sail alone than have a shoddy ship full of holes bound to be sunk.
Life's better without constant indecision.

I can always find a way to get attention, don't make me be that girl.

Oh how I step back, dangerously close to that edge of becoming her. But my bipolar-ness pulls me back into the exact opposite feelings and mood of this blog where I'll want nothing more from you, claiming it's too much.

You have no idea what I'm doing.

smudged my black hole eyes into panda like looks
it makes me feel like someone else, hah i feel like its my protector from the world, i
 like myself with out makeup but i dont wanna let the world in so i wear it
i save me for the ppl closest so like no dark makeup and i let my hair curl and i feel real which is harder to feel than you'd think!

i just had to tell u how much comfort i take in the fact that you're in my life and no matter what shenanigans i get myself into or what new self destructive path i begin to trod down, you're always there to understand the whys hows & because's, never judging me and always making me laugh. I enjoy letting you into my psyche and permitting you to view the ugliest parts of my behavior, somehow you're still around and yeah, i think i love you for it. the only one who can call me out on shit i pull and i don't take offense, i actually stop and take a look at what the fuck i'm doing, so obviously you're pertinent to my continuing existence and my "thriving". I know that when I drop out of school, or decide to get tattooed all over, or become a god damn stripper you'll be in the background, finding a school to fit my niche, researching makeup to cover the tattoos up enough so i can maintain a good job, and waiting outside the club with a boot knife and a wicked right hook to any dude wanting to fuck with me.....in theory of course :)

my only wish is that you would be around enough, enough that my dad grew to know your car, would never have to ask who i was going out with and my dog ran to you instead of hiding when u came ..

basically I love you to death and appreciate all you've gone through with me, it's kind of like bobbing around in a rogue wave filled sea and refusing to drown or let me go down in it

always.forever.period.myheart.

And I just dont know where I can begin.. but lets try this

I've officially tried the long term relationship thing and found its not for me, not right now.
So the next thing has become: the first walk of shame.
Let me preface this with the fact that this night has been one part awful to two parts guilt to one part ego boost.
I couldn't bring myself to let him have me so I compromised like most girls do and did my shit so I could split.
I know I can do that well, so well that I can get it done quick which was never more of a blessing.
Enter ego boost: first girl to ever be able to do that.
Enter vomit worthy exit scene-> I'm not cut out for this, the pathetic thing is that I've known the dude for 5 years so i shouldn't feel this bad about it, but I do.
Struggling hardcore would pretty much cover it baby-dolls , I now know that I detest being valued for my looks and what said boy wants to do with them. I don't know how you girls do this.
So now I feel like I've got the most insatiable case of gut rot
Guilt->Me puking once I got home
Scrubbed the smell of his off me, off my hands, off my lips, off my face.
Yes at 5am.
I've yet to find that balance of how to flirt and then still be wanted for more than my physical self. I know I have a lot of emotional value, but why is it that guys either want one or the other. I guess if I find a dude that wants me for more than my physical, and not just for emotional then I've found "it"
I tried. Period.
No dice, so far I'm racking up things I don't want/. aren't comfortable with.
Please let me find something I feel right in, find me a situation I can rest and not feel guilt in.
though I'm not sure what that would be since relationships and non relationships have both produced this feeling of unrest and hunger for something safe, but not so much that it leads me to complacency, physically exciting, but not to the point where I feel like a cash cow for a dude's sexual needs. and real, but not to the point where my flaws are blinded by the spotlight of hungry eyes waiting to use them against me (or to get too close to my insides)

ending this evening with a shrug -> on to the next thing, don't point fingers at me please I'm only trying to live and learn about this game called LIFE

Struggling in between being myself and being what keeps guys attention
I'm convinced that acting like a tease and very aloof is what keeps attention, I hate it but it's fun to finally be the one playing a game.
Playing a part.
Playing something other than myself.
At least I'm willing to do this until I've got someone worth not playing with.
For once in my life i know exactly what I want, enough that I know within a few minutes if this person is it or not.
That's frightening for me, no one is remotely close.
But theres a strange comfort in having qualities I refuse to compromise on.

Life is trying, things are terrifying, but I'm growing up, I'm moving away, I'm deciding that being happy in life is worth more than money.
And for the first time I think I'm gonna let that be the goal.

From the pervert Johnny that molested me at my Nana's house when I was 7 to getting the fuck beat out of me inside and out by Joshua to every little fuck in between who used me for money, sex, or to have something on their arm...its been one large attempt to crush my tender heartedness, niceness, and overly selflessness..it hasn't worked and thats a mystery of life that should be looked into.

someone get on that.

I'm not sorry that i refuse to turn into a cold bitch despite the attempts the men in my life have made at making me one.

While most guys dig a complete horrid bitch that acts like they don't give a fuck, I'm not into it. Its just not what I am though there's nothing like rolling around in the filth of my own memory.

loocy: your innocence is a blessing
loocy: don't let it get taken away from you
loocy: i promise it will
loocy when the dust clears you'll fall head over heels for the life you dream about

The life i dream about, not centered around some dude. I'm locking up the inside of my life for a bit, you can all come play, but I've got a life to fall in love with. The rest will have to fall where it may.

loocy: all the while you can rock cute hair and kick ass tattoos
loocy: and still be the sweetheart that you've shown me for years

I woke up at 2:20 with an extreme need to write this.
and now i partially forgot it but here's what I got left.

Rest assured that the reason girls are attracted to you has almost entirely to do with that guitar you strap to your arm coupled with the fact that you treat them like disposable entities (every young girl loves a good brute!). Do not believe for one second that it has anything to do with your "amusing" personality, looks, choice of dress, fitness, intelligence, or any other aspect you believe you have. Trust me babydoll, you have none of those mentioned qualities. You're 19 so the girls you surround yourself vary from 16-19, best believe in a few years these antics will not be so desired as girls grow up into self respecting women, and the boys they once chose to surround themselves with as insecure growing-ups become no longer worthy of a drop of attention.

and ps: if you do not choose to heed any of this, look forward to a life marrying gold diggers who will rip your heart and bank account to shreds, or insecure clinging little women who have so little respect for their life that they believe you're the best they can do.

YOU CAN’T KEEP ME IN A BOX TAKE ME OUT AND WIND ME UP WHEN YOU WANT ME, IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY
        
    only it does, it has for the past 5 months so I can understand why you'd think you can continue to do this.

    this is all wrong, so it shows.

Wow

is he fucking serious with this shit?

Never have I been treated this poorly by anyone in my entire life. ( if you know my past you know that there's a list of people who'd be tough to beat for that title)

ungrateful pompous jerkoff
ignored.
discarded.
used.
uninterested.
thrown out.
fucked with.
lied to.
blocked.
played.


ignorant child, get a hold on yourself

"of all the things  you offer to the ones who forget you"


making your bed and lying in it are two painfully different things.

When a girl writes off the world she does it in cursive

there's a place where I can go to fit in.

but it reeks of where I've been.

my life is less frightening than it should be.


i should be paralyzed with fear for the consequences of actions i am making
but i have no boots on.
so there is no shaking.

thats life I guess. Thats what's harsh about it.
You get lonely and make stupid decisions because you're bored for a moment, that re-route your entire life.
It's astonishing exactly how much of my life has been determined simply by:
a) phone calls
b) text messages
c) phone bill records.

i let two people get the best of me, which i swore i wouldn't do ever again.
and it led to me signing my own eviction notice from this house.

congratulations molly. the trust you've worked your ass off over two and a half years
to regain will be erased in about a week from one fucking decision.
one phone bill.
one call.
a few texts.

i neglected living these past 3 years, simply trying to prove that i'm a good person.
trying not to disappoint them at any turn.
trying to prove i'm not shady, i'm not self destructive.

say it together, "three years wasted because your crush isn't talking to you. stupid fucking little girl."

have you seen my self esteem, where the hell'd you put it?

I don't think i'm prepared to see the look on my brother's face, my father's face when this gets out.
Stomaching that pained, disappointed look one more time is one more than this little doll can take.
Saying it won't happen again is a  joke, even when i meant it will all the best of intentions a kid can have.
only the best.
Obviously my words mean nothing.
i'm completely embarrassed.

this changes everything

I'm struggling. Can't figure out if I'm being too cynical or paranoid and I don't know how to get it answered. What's the difference in a guy liking you and a guy liking making out with you/wanting to fuck you. Is there even a difference, really? There must be a problem with me, I can't get involved in any way with a guy without feeling used in one way or another. The more I try to figure him out, the less I want to know. Am I the 'always there'  background chick that is always there when plans fall through? Am I the girl you see only when others aren't around, when you come home for a few days. How many others are treated like me...I can guarantee this situation is not special, not for you at least. If I wanted to settle on a boyfriend, I know someone I could have. If I wanted to have someone to fuck, I know someone I could call up anytime. But I sleeping alone. Sleeping alone because I  know me all too well. This is my choice because if I settle now it will be for the rest of my life. I can't end up like that, though it is a struggle to not feel unwanted, ugly when you know how amazing it feels to have the other half of the bed warm, even if just for a night.

I play games, you don't notice so I end up playing games with myself. In short, I keep complicating this but I know no other way. It matters what you think of me so I've become a mute, too chicken shit to say anything so you must think I am a tragically boring person. Really I'm just a goofy mess and I'd feel so much better if I knew that you have been captured by my mess.

Baby steps.
Slowly starting to take care of myself despite the lack of doctor visits.
I'm the cleanest I have ever been.
Showers every night.
Everything piles on throughout the day, something about literally cleaning everything that's attached itself to my body throughout the course of the day is comforting to me.
Returning myself back to zero, no makeup, no dirt, no hairspray, no perfume, no clothes, no to-do lists.
I've somehow convinced myself that it washes away the day which is allowing me to get through them easier.
Whatever keeps you afloat, right?
Swallow pills.
Swallow breaths.
Swallow food.
Swallow pride.
Swallow masochistic tendencies.
Biting wit.
Biting tongue.
Biting finally at life.
At least at night I feel possible, even if it's just for half an hour.

because I'm smart enough to know that if it's not me he's making out with/watching movies with, it's some other girl.

and I'm dumb enough to wait around and get excited when it's finally my turn

always tiptoeing away from a situation I should be sprinting from

enough to get noticed, never quite enough to stay noticed

it's true, I can't rely on a word you say

but it's fun to pretend

I don't think I'll ever make heads or tails of this. He's the biggest flake I know, his own words. We're both aware of how amazing it is that I'm even talking to him still because he's so hot and cold. But then there's the things I don't see, like his friend Isaac labeling us as dating because Mason doesn't talk to girls anymore, hook up, anything. There's him turning down a hook up because of "this crazy thing I've got for a girl back in hudson." All I know is that I feel good when I'm with him, we have crazy chemistry, and we have tons in common. I'm interested in seeing how this goes, it could be a spectacular failure and I'm alright with that. It also could be a fun ride so i'm going with it. The only thing weighing on my mind is what my brother said about him

"I think I should play video games with your brothers, ya know, get in good with the fam.."


I'm at such a crossroads, it's currently blowing my mind that I'm nearly 19. Treading water. I am treading water. How much longer can a person tread water before they have to start swimming? Quicksand. The pile of things that need changing, tackling, and doing are suffocating me and I can find no good place to start so I don't. I have four doctors I urgently need to see but the amount seems too daunting so I see none of them. Lately I've felt like a waste for being at a community college, I need to start taking initiative with my schooling and career. I also need to apply somewhere for a second job, living is expensive. All these things plus family matters combined leave me forgetting to breathe and remember life is amazing and that is a shame.

You know what'd be helpful? If my dad stopped wearing the cologne of my ex boyfriend. Yeah my dog smells like it, thus my bed smells like it and it's making me nauseous. PS: Please don't' make me regret this time spent on you.